How Did This Happen?!

After coming to the realization that I was fat I had to ask myself how I got that way. I so did not want to ask that question.

Asking myself how I had gained almost 50 pounds in two years meant facing up to some rather nasty truths.

I always ate "healthy". I ate things like this:

From www.101cookbooks.com
I did actually use this recipe quite often.
It is super yummy.

This is a healthy recipe, nutritionally dense, full of leafy greens and fiber.

Healthy.

When you are a petite woman and eat two heaping plates full in one sitting and then follow it up with a desert, even if that desert is made with whole wheat flour and agave syrup, you are not eating a healthy meal.

Over eating is not healthy.

I always used the fact that I was eating healthy foods to excuse the huge portions. The constant snacking could not be bad for me as all of my snacks were wholesome.

No one ever taught me about calories. This in not an excuse, just a fact. I spent so much time preparing healthy whole foods, I researched nutritional information, never did I think to look at calories or serving sizes. I just ate and ate and ate. I was a disordered eater. I ate when I was stressed, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was lonely. I ate and ate and ate, all the while wondering why I was getting bigger.

But Even after I realized I was fat I still couldn't face the fact that I was over eating. I simply could not believe that I was that person. I could not admit my gluttony to myself.

I was a mess.

Visuals... scary scary visuals.

Two computer generated images of yours truly. One at my earlier weight of 117 pounds and one at my peak weight of 165.... I put both of them in the same outfit to make comparison easier. This is definitely a Fat Kate outfit.

This is roughly what I looked like at 117 pounds.
Total babe... I would not have been wearing leggings as pants.
Back then my jeans still fit and I would not have been caught dead wearing tights as pants.
Tights are not pants.
Unless you are Fat Kate.

Me at 165. Although my boobs were waaaay bigger!
Also I did not carry it quite so well, I definitely looked much less firm.
I was pretty damn jiggly at that weight.
So jiggly that I felt my thighs vibrate when I walked.
I hated that feeling.
Not just because it meant I was fat.
It felt really weird and uncomfortable.
Like how nails on a chalkboard are for ears is what vibrating flesh is like to thighs?
Icky.

Hi Kate

 So, hi.

I am blogging because a few years ago I realized I had become fat.

This really freaked me out.

I had never been fat. Never thin, but NEVER fat.

I was always cute, small waist large chest... some jiggle to my thighs, but nothing that couldn't be hidden with denim.

How I was able to bury my head in the sand while I grew from a size 4 (American sizing) to a 6 to an 8 to (gulp) a 10.

A size 10 is not big for most women, but I am barely 5 feet tall with a small frame. I weighed 165 pounds. One Hundred and Sixty-five pounds. It was only two years before that I had weighed in at around 117 pounds.

When I could finally face what had become of my body I panicked, I could no longer hide from myself behind sweatpants and "healthy" over eating. My stomach rolled over my my hip bones. I was disgusting.

After many nights of tears I decided that I needed to buck up and do something about it.